Walt Stoll, M.D. and Jan DeCourtneyListen to the Doctor
A new nurse listened as a doctor walked down the hall yelling yelling, “Tuberculosis! Tetanus! Measles!”
The new nurse asked another nurse, “Why is he doing that?”
The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”
——————————————————————
Twelve Warning Signs of Health
The twelve warning signs of health:
- Persistent presence of support network.
- Chronic positive expectations; tendency to frame events in a constructive light.
- Episodic peak experiences.
- Sense of spiritual involvement.
- Increased sensitivity.
- Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
- Rapid response and recovery of adrenaline system due to repeated challenges.
- Increased appetite for physical activity.
- Tendency to identify and communicate feelings.
- Repeated episodes of gratitude, generosity and related emotions.
- Compulsion to contribute to society.
- Persistent sense of humor.
If five or more of these indicators are present, you may be at risk for full blown health.
——————————————————————
A Health Directive
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: ”Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state depending on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
——————————————————————
Pharmacists’ evaluation
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, “are these time release pills?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes. They begin to work after your check clears.”
——————————————————————
Proverbs with a Smile
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be misquoted, then used against you.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
It’s hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
——————————————————————
The Captain’s Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or “He’s hiding the flowers under the table!” and “Hey, why are all those cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, then another.
Finally the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer and squalked, “OK, I give up? What’d you do with the ship?”
——————————————————————
Help, Doc!
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, calm down. Be a little patient.”
——————————————————————
Signs found in some of the best kitchens…..
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home. Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
If you don’t like my standards of cooking — lower your standards.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
——————————————————————
The Frustrated Commuter
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”
“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”
“Tell me! What is it?”
“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”
——————————————————————
Where?
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——————————————————————
Doctor’s Visit
Doesn’t it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here’s what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
——————————————————————
The Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit!!”
——————————————————————
A Few Chuckles
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. — Calvin Trillin
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. — Jackie Gleason
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. — Anonymous
——————————————————————
Medical Definitions
Anally — occurring yearly
Artery — study of paintings
Bacteria — back door of cafeteria
Barium — what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel — letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section — district in Rome
Cat scan — searching for kitty
Cauterize — Made eye contact with her
Colic — sheep dog
Coma — a punctuation mark
Congenital — friendly
D&C — where Washington is
Diarrhea — journal of daily events
Dilate — to live long
Enema — not a friend
Fester — quicker
Fibula — a small lie
Genital — non-Jewish
G.I. Series — soldiers’ ball game
Grippe — suitcase
Hangnail — coathook
Impotent — distinguished, well known
Intense pain — torture in a teepee
Labour pain — got hurt at work
Medical staff — doctor’s cane
Morbid — higher offer
Nitrate — cheaper than day rate
Node — was aware of
Outpatient — person who had fainted
Pap smear — fatherhood test
Pelvis — cousin of Elvis
Post operative — letter carrier
Protein — favoring young people
Rectum — damn near killed ‘em
Recovery room — place to do upholstery
Rheumatic — amorous
Scar — rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion — hiding anything
Seizure — Roman emperor
Serology — study of knighthood
Tablet — small tablet
Terminal illness — sickness at airport
Tibia — country in North Africa
Tumor — an extra pair
Urine — opposite of you’re out
Varicose — located nearby
Vein — conceited